I’m Going To Save You Hundreds of Dollars. This Home Facial Will Change Your Life!

Categories:Pretty Things
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Okay, yes… 1. It stinks. 2. You look like Swamp Thing. But compared to half the things I have tried in the name of beauty this is a breeze!

Take a moment. Pause, reflect upon your life up until now. Because I am about to rock your world and everything will be different – no, better – from this point forward. Are you ready? Here it comes… AZTEC SECRET INDIAN HEALING CLAY. Bam! Do you feel your life changing? To steal a line from Queen Gwen, “this sh*t is bananas!” 

Let me back up a moment. I LOVE makeup, skin care, products and anything beauty-related. I freely admit to having plastic surgery procedures and Botox, Juvederm and Restylane, oh my! I have so many lipsticks they are sub-categorized within their colors (“pink” gets filed under 8 different groups and I wish I was kidding… actually, my husband wishes I was kidding). I don’t discriminate between drugstore or high-end. I swear by La Mer face cream that, as far as I am concerned, comes directly from heaven and Thayer’s toner that actually does come from Walgreens. My friend Elizabeth and I will discuss the best prices on cotton pads like it’s a life or death situation! I have tried almost everything out there and freely admit that I would scrub my face with a brillo pad if I wasn’t almost positive that it would cause damage. I mean, I’m not completely positive so I still float around the idea from time to time but I stop short of actually trying it. So far.

(Oh, and I bought and used pigeon-shit cream from Japan. Does that not convince you that I am the one who will try any crap (literally) if I think it is going to make me look better? Okay. On that authority please continue reading!)

I love facials and I will get one as often as I can, which is sporadic at best lately. The whole spa process is lovely but it takes a big chunk from your day. In the past few years I have found that if I don’t take advantage of any spare time while I am staying at a hotel than I just don’t see an esthetician as often as I would like. Or should. Enter the magic clay!

I am sure you are thinking, “this is a bunch of malarky, most home facials are just creams and serums at best.” Yes, you are correct. Let’s call a spade a spade: those things usually suck. I am sure there are some minuscule results but nothing like what you enjoy after a *real* facial. Am I right? (Always… it’s my blog, I am always right.)  But this is not one of those typical home facials. It really, REALLY works. And well!

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You can’t tell because this is a photo, but my bathroom smelled like an Easter egg would… about five weeks after Easter.

The Aztec clay comes in a powder form and you mix it in a 1:1 ratio with apple cider vinegar (which is super skilled at killing bacteria AND helps neutralize the powder, which is very alkaline). For whatever reason you don’t want to use a metal bowl for mixing so I went ahead and bought THIS little kit on Amazon and it works perfectly. (If you clicked on the link and are thinking, “is she nuts? This set is to skin care what the Easy-Bake oven is to cooking.” And okay, maybe by appearances it is but trust me, it works perfectly. Just like the Easy-Bake oven works perfectly if you are looking to eat brownie bites cooked by a lightbulb.) I take care to wash mine immediately with organic dish soap and it has been chugging along nicely for a year plus now. It’s a good bargain, stop with your judgements, people!

Mix your clay and vinegar and it should take on the consistency of brownie batter, actually, and start to foam up. Apply an even layer to your face but be careful to avoid the eye area. This stuff is like an industrial vacuum of NASA strength and will suck all the oils out of your skin. Because you want to keep that delicate eye area as hydrated as possible just keep the mixture away from it. I personally apply a rather thick layer but recommend starting with a thin layer and build on that, depending on your skin’s sensitivity.

Now, the packaging says you can feel it pulsate. The first time I applied it I felt nothing and assumed I did something wrong. Well. Let me tell you. This sh*t pulsates! As it starts to dry you almost feel your face throbbing. It’s insane and amazing at the same time! One thing to note is the smell. To quote my husband, “The entire house smells like a rotten Easter egg.” He’s right and it does. It stinks. Badly. I don’t even bother rinsing off in the sink, I always get in the shower after and wash my hair because, trust me, you will need a Silkwood-style scrubbing of your whole body to eradicate the stench. 

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The winning consistency! Green, foaming brownie batter.

As for application time, heed your skin. Mine is pretty tough so I leave it on for 20-30 minutes, but your body will tell you what is up. You may even want to build up to a 20 minute application, I started with 10 minutes and moved on to 15 and so on. I aspire to do this as least once a week. Sometimes I have even used it three times in one week when my skin felt especially “off” (aka I had an excessively hormonal menstrual cycle and was extra oily). I actually did this last night and spent the entire session on the phone with my friend Jamie, it just got weird toward the end because your face really does start to solidify and it is a challenge to move your mouth. I sounded a little like Herman Munster during the last five minutes of our chat, but Jamie is a good friend who has dealt with worse and weirder with me and, bless her heart, didn’t even make fun of me!

The rinse can get tricky because once this stuff dries it is solid clay and you don’t want to clog your drain. I personally just throw a little Drain-O down the tub when I am done but I have read that people use those drain-catcher things and even cheesecloths over the drain to catch. Again, we are all grownups here and I am not going to preach. You know your plumbing, you figure out what works best for you.

Once you get it all off you need to apply toner. Right away. It will balance out your skin and you need that because you just gave it the industrial-stength cleaning of its life. Oh, and your face will be red. Mine usually for an hour or so, but it fades.

The results: Oh wow, I think the sky parted and a choir of angels began to sing the first time I tried this. YOUR SKIN LOOKS LIKE A BABY’S BUTT! Clear. Clean. Soft. Blackheads gone, pores look smaller. I have read online that some people will immediately extract even more gunk when they take off the mask, but as for me I find my pores are usually empty and I don’t want to mess with them. But you do you, whatever works.

To quote my grandma, “beauty is pain.” It is. And sometimes it smells. But in this case it is so worth it! If you try it please let me know what you think… I’m thisclose to getting my husband to let me try it on him but he’s still holding out. I am desperate for a guinea pig!

2 Comments

  1. Kayti
    KaytiReply
    November 22, 2015 at 3:33 pm

    I must try this! I’d never heard of it, but if it can help my pores I’m willing to suffer the crema pestosa! Thanks for the tip, and for sharing a surprisingly affordable beauty secret!

    • Becky
      November 25, 2015 at 10:54 am

      Muah! You have pore problems, too? Ugh… must be an unfortunate family trait. They make me crazy!

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