Target May Soon Offer Cocktails To Shoppers: I Envision A Night Of Drinking & Shopping At Tar-Jay So You Don’t Have To
If you were awake and/or not under a rock this past weekend you have most likely heard THE NEWS. (For those of you who don’t subscribe to Tar-jay Boutique alerts I’ll quickly recap: there is a chance Target stores may begin selling cocktails to shoppers). I know! I also squealed so loudly that a little pee escaped (no, just me? oops.). I love Target. I am among those who line up at the crack of dawn to shop the designer collaborations (I even dragged my then-fiancee along with me at 6 a.m. to shop the Lilly Pulitzer for Target collection and, surprisingly, he still ended up marrying me) and I have even had to place myself on “Target probation” multiple times because I will go there for deodorant and leave $200 poorer… about three times a week…and then wonder why I am constantly transferring money from savings into checking when all I’ve done all week long is only go to Target. In fact, my friend Elizabeth and I spent three hours in the Anaheim Target one night (that place is overflowing with Disneyland souvenirs with prices so low that Walt himself would blush) and even though I almost fainted from hunger I didn’t cut the evening short, I just grabbed an applesauce packet and kept on shopping. My vacations even include Target. My husband and I were out of town last weekend and had the best Friday night ever when we found a Super Target and made that place our bitch (actually, looking back at our final tally I’d say the store made us its bitch, not the other way around). I shop there often, I spend too much and I buy things I love but don’t need. In short, I am your typical Target shopper.
And now the folks at Target want to add alcohol to this equation? Two thoughts: 1. how fun! and 2. this probably won’t end well. If I had a crystal ball and could see into the future I imagine an evening of shopping & drinking at Target would look something like this:
7 p.m.: It’s Thursday night. I still have some time before “Scandal” starts and it looks like we’ve started to put a dent in that bottle of Mrs. Meyers dish soap in our kitchen. We will surely run out of it within the next three weeks so I really should go to Target now to avoid a catastrophe later. It’s the smart thing to do and it is just dish soap, one item and I’ll be out the door. Maybe I will browse among the shoe section but ONLY the ones on sale. Besides, I am dying to see how Mellie will react to the latest Olivia-Fitz shocker that Shonda Rhimes teased us with last week so this is a great time to go – I’ll keep myself on a tight timeline. I know without a doubt that I will stay focused on getting home in time for the show and won’t be tempted to stay long.
7:20 p.m.: Arrive at Target. After I find a clean shopping cart (i.e. one not containing a wadded up receipt or the shopping list belonging to the previous user) I grab one of the sanitizing wipes so kindly provided by the store, clean the cart handle and any other place I think I may touch, silently judge those who pass by me without disinfecting their carts and, at last, I am ready to get this party started. I guess I’ll give this whole cocktail thing a go, if only to be supportive of the store’s new endeavor. It’s the right thing to do. Armed with my “Bullseye Bellini” (in this imagined scenario Target will offer themed beverages) I head over to the One Spot a.k.a. dollar section. How cute are these Dr. Seuss-branded pencil holders? No, I have’t used a pencil in 13 years but I might someday soon. And wouldn’t this darling “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” pouch be the perfect place to store them? And ohmygosh, I love these tiny herb pots, I’ve always wanted an herb garden on my kitchen windowsill! Only one dollar each? I can’t stand it. I need the basil and the rosemary. Is that thyme? Want it. And okay, the oregano also I suppose. In case we want to make homemade pizza someday. Oh, look at that… my drink is empty. How long have I been browsing the dollar section? I should hurry if I’m going to make it home in time for “Scandal.” But I’ll just swing back to the bar and grab one more drink.
7:50 p.m.: Okay, Becky: Focus! I have less than an hour to finish up so I can be home in time for “Scandal.” I better make a beeline for the cleaning supplies. I’ll just cut through the kids section, no temptation there. But wait! My friend just had a baby. I should get a gift. Oh, and shoot… I need a “big sister” gift for her daughter so she doesn’t feel left out. I find some adorable clothes (“these clothes are so cute, I can’t believe they are from Target” – said every woman, every time she shops here) in quick order and make a mental note to pick up some gift bags on my way out of the store. Bellini alert – it’s empty! One more couldn’t hurt.
8:05 p.m.: With a third (and what I swear will be my final) Bellini in hand I head toward the health & beauty section. I know I need to get that dish soap but I will just check really quickly and see if that new Maybelline mascara I read about in Allure is on sale (they said it is a “best buy” among drugstore beauty products and who doesn’t love a good bargain? It’s a best buy, people!). It’s not on sale? Dammit! But wait… I should check with the Cartwheel app on my phone. Nothing. There are never extra savings on makeup. Oh, I didn’t check the kids clothes on the app. Score, they are on sale! Hmmmm, I better go back and scan the items I put back on the rack, the ones I thought were too expensive. Just in case those are on sale through the Cartwheel app also. You never know.
8:40 p.m.: My drink is empty so I’ll just slurp what is left on the bottom. I’m pretty sure I set the DVR so why am I worried about rushing to get home and watch television? This way I can skip commercials. Plus I probably need the extra time to sober up before I drive home. I may as well look at the clothes since I am already here…
9:40 p.m.: I’ve spent the past hour finding insane deals on clothes! This pair of pink sweatpants with a unicorn on the butt is so darn cute and it has a red clearance sticker on it. I would never have paid $29.99 for this but $17.43 is such a steal, I have to get it. I now realize that even if I did stop drinking at this point I’m still not in any condition to drive, so after a quick call it is decided that my husband is going to take an Uber over here and then drive me and the car home. He wants me to finish up and wait for him outside since he needs to get up early tomorrow, but if my calculations are correct it will take him at least 30 minutes to get here… so I may as well get another Bellini while I wait. Whoa, how did I end up with 13 items to try on? And you can only bring in 6 at a time? Fine. Really, you are sure it is safe if I just leave my shopping cart out here? And where am I supposed to put this plastic tag with the number on it? The hole is too small for any of the hooks here in the dressing room. So annoying. I need another drink.
10:15 p.m.: Why do I have to pee so badly? Oh yeah, cocktails. Can you believe they sell Sam & Libby shoes at Target now? I’m only getting these three pairs but that isn’t too bad when you figure that at one point I actually had five pairs of shoes in my shopping cart. By putting those other two back it’s like I just saved myself at least $40. And besides, the total cost of these three is still less than the one pair of boots I almost bought at Nordstrom last week. I’ve never been good at math however I’m pretty sure I am kicking major ass at saving money right now. I’m just thirsty, so thirsty… and do I need to pee again? Yep, I sure do.
10:30 p.m.: No idea how many drinks I’ve had and – ARE YOU KIDDING ME? All decorative pillows by Room Essentials are 20% off! That’s like the second best housewares brand at Target next to Threshold. And Nate Berkus. I feel like my mom mentioned wanting some new throw pillows for her guest room. I’ll just grab a few and if she doesn’t like them I’ll can always return things later. Or keep them for myself. Why isn’t the Cartwheel app working? I keep trying and trying to scan the stupid bar codes on these pillows and I can’t see a thing, it’s like my eyes won’t focus. Is it my phone’s camera? It must be. Do they sell iPhones at Target? I’ll just run over to the electronics section and check.
10:40 p.m.: How funny! My husband is here. And he looks mad.
10:50 p.m.: Running into my husband is not the joyful reunion I would have expected after a surprise encounter such as this. Doesn’t he think it is a fun coincidence that we both ended up at the same Target? This is not going well and I feel like I may start crying at any moment. The last time I was this emotional for no reason was when I got drunk on my birthday, so this is somewhat strange considering I’m only shopping at Target and there should be no reason to be so upset. Maybe my period is about to start, that would explain my near-hysterics. Anyhow, my husband is basically trying to ruin my night by saying I have “too much crap” in my shopping cart AND he won’t even go with me to the home decor section to look at the faux-mink ottoman with hidden storage that I know would be a perfect fit for our living room. Why is he being so mean? And how can he call this crap? If he even bothered to look inside the cart he would see that there is a 12-pack of undershirts for him in there, and pretty much everything I have is either on sale or is a massive bargain (I know for a fact that this box of Q-tips would cost at least a dollar more at Walgreens). And he is wrong. We do need a green and red, Christmas-themed salad spinner. What if we end up throwing a holiday dinner party? Yes, I know it is only September but holiday items always sell out.
11:05 p.m.: Target officially closed five minutes ago and we are at the checkout. It feels like I just got here, time really flew by. Was “Scandal” on tonight? I hope I didn’t miss it. What? You aren’t serving drinks anymore? But it is only 11! Please, I ask my husband, can we stop for one more drink on the way home? I’m having fun! Jeez, how did I spend $312 dollars? I only came here for one thing. And why does he still seem mad, was he not listening while I was telling him about all the bargains I found? He can be such a grump when he gets tired, I wonder why he decided to stay up so late tonight. Do I have time to use the restroom one more time before we leave?
11:15 p.m.: I’m rambling on and on about the four different flavors of Candy Corn I bought as my husband loads the shopping bags into the car’s trunk. And then suddenly it dawns on me… I forgot the dish soap! Oh well. I suppose I can go back again tomorrow. And maybe I’ll get some Aleve because I’m suddenly getting a massive headache.
That’s it, that is my prediction of how DWST (drinking while shopping at Target) might turn out. Now come on, is that not the Thursday night of your dreams? I think I speak for many Tar-jay addicts when I say we are thirsty and waiting, ready for our already-poor purchasing decisions to be further influenced with wine, cocktails and beer. Your move, Target.