My husband and I have similarly evil minds. Not mean minds, just… well, evil. We like to joke and play pranks, especially on the overly trusting and gullible. It’s great because we are really good at it and play well off one another. Recently we convinced my mother that there would be a special “coming out episode” on one of her favorite reality shows, “Gold Rush,” which is about gold miners in Alaska. We went into such great detail that even I was disappointed when it was revealed to be a ruse. I was so excited for Parker to live his true self… until I remembered we made the whole thing up.
Last summer we were getting ready to host Mike’s (and now mine also, thanks to us being married… poor kids are stuck with me now) two teenage nephews, who are the kindest, sweetest and most polite young men I’ve ever encountered. In short, we immediately “made” them as perfect targets for our next prank.
The plan begin to form when Mike told me how one of his nephews had tried to use the pull-up bar in our kitchen doorway (aka the bane of my existence) a few years back and immediately face planted (without injury). We toyed around with the idea of a warning sign placed next to the bar and it morphed into a whole set of ridiculously extreme house rules we would share with the boys.
Within minutes we were in front of my laptop, drafting up our “rules” and printing them out. When the boys came to town a few days later Mike casually mentioned a few rules he would go over later (foreshadowing, people… we paid attention in high school when we were reading “Romeo & Juliet!”), but didn’t elaborate. But after dinner he asked the boys to sit down, handed each a packet and asked them to read it. Out loud. We started slowly, with a few rules that might seem normal (no shoes in the house, etc.) and built to the ridiculous (they would have to use the bathroom at the Taco Bell down the street) and threw in a mention of the pull-up bar for good measure. It was SO much fun to see their confused faces as they read along (insert evil laughter here).
To say they were in shock would be an understatement. Was this a joke? Should they laugh? Or… were were actually serious?! Mike and I kept a straight face and even jumped in from time to time to further elaborate on the already-detailed instructions. I’m quite sure they thought we had lost our minds or, at the very least, were convinced their uncle had married an insane woman who would take all of the fun out of their visit.
We held it together as long as we could and eventually confessed our prank, to the boys’ relief. Although I’m not entirely sure they ever let go of the idea that their uncle had married a crazy lady, but maybe I can convince them of that on their next visit. Or maybe we’ll just play another prank.
Without further ado, please enjoy our house rules.
Welcome to our home, we are so pleased to have you here with us! We have outlined a few ways you can maximize the enjoyment of your visit for all parties involved. We know that sometimes staying in another home can be awkward and we strive to make the transition from being in yours to ours completely seamless. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask us. Enjoy San Francisco and your stay on Fillmore Street!
-Mike and Becky
- Please remove shoes upon entering.
- No eating or drinking in the apartment without permission from Mike or Becky.
- If you DO eat or drink in the apartment (with the aforementioned permission) dishes must be washed within 15 minutes of food and/or beverage consumption.
- No passing of gas or burping inside the apartment. If you feel an overwhelming urge to pass gas or burp please step into the hallway.
- Toilet seat must always be in the down position.
- Women are not permitted to stay during their menstrual cycle unless Mike and/or Becky approve prior to the visit.
- All guests in active puberty (ages 13-18 years-old) must shower at least two times per day to combat overactive sweat glands.
- No bowel movements are permitted in the apartment. We encourage our guests to visit the bathroom at the KFC/Taco Bell located at the corner of Fillmore & Lombard (approx. 2 minutes via walking).
- If you can’t wait to walk to KFC/Taco Bell and a bowel movement is imminent please inform Mike and/or Becky who will provide you with the preferred air freshener. Furthermore, guest will be expected to clean the toilet with bleach and have it inspected and approved by Mike and/or Becky.
- The pull-up bar is not for guest use, only Mike. No exception will be made in this case.