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Me and a fellow otter.

What The F*ck Is A “Witty Otter?”
I couldn’t sleep one night and was stalking people catching up with all my loved ones on Facebook and one of those annoying quizzes that mean absolutely nothing (yet we all take them) popped up. You know the ones: “Which Friends Character Are You?” (Duh, Chandler), “Which City Should You Live In?” or “If You Were A Gummy Bear, What Color Would You Be?” The particular quiz I took was entitled “What Animal Are You?” and the result was an otter. Huh?

Not one to be easily deterred and armed with all the free time my raging case of insomnia provided me, I kept reading. And once I learned a little bit about our fish-eating, web-footed friends it started to make sense. Otters are “petite and engaging creatures, overflowing with positive energy” (hello! I’m 5’3″ and I never shut up!) yet also “lazy, easily distracted” (my husband can speak more to this point because… wait, what was I saying?!) though “their determination makes otters valuable employees.” Done deal. I am a proud otter! And as for the witty part? I consider being witty the highest compliment above all others. You have to be smart and funny to be witty. Pretty fades, contrary to what Kristen Taekman of the Real Housewives of New York City says. I plan to keep my friends laughing at the retirement home. Call me witty and I’ll love you forever!

If you want to know more about me and why I think I am massively qualified to write a blog please keep reading for my long and winding story… otherwise you are obviously not my mother, and probably haven’t even read this far. So mom, this next part is for you!

About Me (My second-favorite subject. Okay, it might be my absolute favorite subject but how obnoxious would I be for admitting that?)

A note before I begin: I have written hundreds of bios. I wish that was an exaggeration. Between my actual career and writing favors I’ve shelled out over the years that number may even be on the low end of reality. So when it came time to write MY bio on MY blog I figured I had two options:

1. Write a canned, corporate-style bio and gag my way through it, never finding the balance between too obnoxious (I was once shadowed by a Wall Street Journal reporter for an article!), too random (Jay-Z swore at me on a red carpet and his nostrils are ginormous in person) and too “only-my-parents-would-be-proud” (In college I bottle fed a kitten from an abandoned litter and the vet said I saved his life). Or

2. Convince one of my friends to write it for me followed by a violent editing process that ends with me reverting to option 1.

Actually I don’t like either option. So instead I am going to buck the standard format and give you a little narrative on myself. And knowing me I will end up hating it still and this will be rewritten ad nauseum. But at any rate, here it is:

A super-rad, 70s-era photo of my family that we probably took at Sears. More to the point, this was about the age when I started to tell really crazy stories. I’m on the bottom left.

I love writing. That is not an exaggeration and although I famously exaggerate often this is not one of those times, I promise you. I began telling lengthy stories as soon as I could speak and started putting them on paper not long after. I wrote my first book in second grade on the riveting topic of a Cabbage Patch Kids sleepover. My parents still have it in our family library.

Throughout school I continued to write, even drafting up college entrance essays for several friends in exchange for biology and geometry tutoring. (Apparently Becky Vieira was not deemed worthy of a certain University of California’s acceptance but her essay was. Whatever.) I received a B.A. degree in journalism with an emphasis in public relations (Forget the UC system, I love you California State University, Chico!) moved to southern California and began my PR career upon graduation.

I’ll admit, working in PR in Los Angeles was a lot of fun. I was there for more than a decade and over the years I even co-authored a book on DIY public relations (it’s cool if you want to buy a Kindle version… I won’t judge!) and still work as a PR consultant to this day. But what has always eluded me is the idea behind the saying, “do what you love and you will never work a day in your life.” Well, I love to write. Not necessarily writing for PR campaigns or even Cabbage Patch Kids (though that was incredibly topical at the time). I enjoy writing about my life, the places I go and the things I see, the ridiculous situations in which I often seem to find myself.

I’m proud to be 40! I am not ashamed to say that I have been divorced, I am now remarried to a saint – my husband is the most patient man (if you couldn’t yet tell by reading this) – we live in San Francisco and don’t have kids… and pretty much everyday I have an internal debate over whether we should reproduce or just adopt a gaggle of dogs (is it gaggle? herd? See above for the “easily distracted” note.). Writing this blog makes me happy and as long as my family and friends continue reading it (or claim to read it), I’ll keep it up.

xx, Becky (The Witty Otter)